“Why Do I Struggle to Say No, Even When It Hurts Me?”

By Dr. Manju Antil
Counseling Psychologist | Assistant Professor of Psychology

Dear reader,

Have you ever said “yes” when every part of you was quietly screaming “no”? Maybe you agreed to a plan you didn’t want, took on extra work you couldn’t manage, or stayed in a conversation that was draining you emotionally. You smiled, nodded, and kept the peace… but inside, you felt resentful, exhausted, even invisible.

If this resonates with you, let me begin by saying—you're not weak. You’re not confused. You’re simply someone who has been taught, in subtle and powerful ways, that your no is dangerous, selfish, or unwelcome.

And today, I want us to gently unpack that.

The Deep Fear Behind People-Pleasing

Many people believe they’re just being “nice” or “helpful” by always agreeing or showing up for others. But often, this behavior masks something deeper: the fear of rejection, abandonment, or disappointing others.

Somewhere along the way, you may have learned that approval equals safety. That your value comes from being accommodating, agreeable, or easy to be around.

In psychological terms, we call this fawning—a stress response where you appease others to avoid conflict or discomfort. It’s not fake. It’s protective. And it often begins in childhood.

If your emotional environment growing up was unpredictable—if saying no led to guilt, punishment, or withdrawal of love—you might have learned to suppress your needs entirely.

What Saying “Yes” Costs You

Each time you say yes when you mean no, you’re placing someone else’s comfort above your own needs. And while that might bring temporary harmony, it slowly erodes your self-respect and boundaries.

You begin to live a life where everyone else is prioritized—except you.

Over time, this can lead to:

Emotional burnout
Resentment toward others (and yourself)
A sense of disconnection from your own identity
Anxiety, because you’re always anticipating others’ needs over your own

And worst of all, it can make healthy, reciprocal relationships feel unfamiliar.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard

Saying “no” isn’t just about refusing something—it’s about confronting the fear that love or connection might be withdrawn as a result.

You might wonder:

Will they still care about me if I stop overgiving?
What if I disappoint them?
What if they leave?

These are very real fears. But they also reflect the kind of conditional love you may have experienced before—the kind where love was tied to your usefulness, not your wholeness.

Healing begins when you realize: saying “no” isn’t rejection. It’s self-honoring.

How to Begin Reclaiming Your Boundaries

You don’t need to become loud, aggressive, or distant to set boundaries. You can be kind and firm at the same time. It starts with building self-trust—learning that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.

Here are a few gentle steps:

1. Pause before responding.
Give yourself permission to say, “Let me think about it,” instead of rushing into a yes.

2. Notice your body.
Your body often knows when a boundary is being crossed. Tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, or a sinking feeling are cues.

3. Practice simple statements.
Start with phrases like:

“I’d love to help, but I’m not available.”
“I need some time for myself right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but I hope you understand.”

4. Sit with the discomfort.
Saying no may feel wrong at first—not because it is wrong, but because it’s new. Let that discomfort be part of the healing.

You Are Allowed to Take Up Space

Boundaries are not walls. They are doors—ways to protect your time, energy, and well-being so you can show up authentically in the relationships that matter most.

You do not exist to make others comfortable at the cost of your own peace. Your needs are not a burden. And saying no is not an act of selfishness—it’s an act of self-respect.

Remember this: the people who genuinely care about you will honor your boundaries, not punish you for them.

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to choose yourself.

With care and truth,
Dr. Manju Antil
Counseling Psychologist | Assistant Professor of Psychology