Dr. Manju Antil | Counseling Psychologist | Psychotherapist | Educator| Founder- Wellnessnetic Care

By Dr. Manju Antil
Counseling Psychologist & Assistant Professor of Psychology

Hello dear reader,

Let’s talk about something many people carry quietly in their hearts: the pain of always ending up with someone who cannot meet you emotionally. You try, you wait, you hope. But somewhere deep down, a part of you knows—this isn’t the love you deserve.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I keep attracting people who can’t fully show up for me?”, know that you’re not alone. I’ve heard this question from clients, friends, and students alike. And it often hides another question beneath it: “Is there something wrong with me?”

Let me begin by gently saying this—there is nothing wrong with you. But there may be something wounded within you that keeps choosing what feels familiar over what feels healthy.

What Emotional Unavailability Looks Like

You might not always recognize it at first. In the beginning, they seem exciting, maybe even intense. They draw you in with charm or mystery. But slowly, you start noticing signs—commitment makes them uncomfortable, they avoid deeper conversations, or they pull away when things get emotionally intimate.

They may care about you. But care without emotional safety isn’t enough.

And that inconsistency—the highs and lows, the mixed signals—can start to feel like love when you're used to equating love with uncertainty.

Why Do We Get Drawn Into This Cycle?

In therapy, we often explore not just what is happening, but why. When people repeatedly find themselves in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, it’s usually not a coincidence. It’s a pattern shaped by emotional history, past relationships, and unconscious beliefs about love.

For many, this starts in childhood. If your early caregivers were emotionally distant, inconsistent, or dismissive, you might have learned that love requires effort—that being loved means proving your worth. As adults, you may unconsciously seek the same dynamic, not because it makes you happy, but because it feels familiar.

Some people also carry a quiet belief that love must be earned through sacrifice. So, you give and give, waiting for the other person to finally see your value. But the truth is—love that demands you to shrink, wait, or suffer is not love. It's emotional survival.

When Love Feels Like Longing

There’s a difference between real connection and emotional hunger. But the hunger can feel intense—like longing, passion, or even chemistry. And that intensity can be mistaken for love, especially if you've never experienced love that feels safe and stable.

Emotionally unavailable partners often create a dynamic of waiting—waiting for clarity, waiting for consistency, waiting for change. But love should not feel like waiting. It should feel like being met, seen, and valued—now, not someday.

How to Break This Pattern

The first step is becoming aware of it. Patterns thrive in silence and repetition. Once you recognize the cycle, you begin to reclaim your power to choose differently.

The next step is reconnecting with your own emotional needs. Ask yourself: What does healthy love look like to me? What does safety feel like in a relationship? These aren’t abstract questions. They’re your new compass.

It also helps to reflect on your beliefs about yourself. Do you believe you're worthy of love that doesn't need to be earned? Can you accept love that feels calm, respectful, and emotionally consistent? If your nervous system is used to chaos, stability can feel unfamiliar. But unfamiliar doesn’t mean wrong.

Healing also means setting boundaries. You don’t need to fix someone to deserve their love. And you don’t have to abandon yourself to avoid being abandoned by someone else.

Lastly, give yourself permission to seek help. Therapy can offer a safe space to understand your emotional story and rewrite it. Sometimes, we need someone to help us see what we’ve been carrying for too long.

A Gentle Reminder

You are not too much. You are not asking for the impossible. You are not unworthy of love.

You are simply someone who wants to be loved with presence, with depth, and with honesty. And that’s a beautiful, human desire.

So if you’ve been choosing emotionally unavailable people, don’t shame yourself. Just notice it. Let that noticing be the beginning of a new way of loving—starting with how you love yourself.

The right love won’t confuse you. It won’t make you question your worth. It will feel like a soft landing after a long journey.

And you deserve that kind of love.

With warmth,
Dr. Manju Antil
Counseling Psychologist | Assistant Professor of Psychology