Soft Ghosting, Benching, and Breadcrumbing: Understanding Modern Dating Anxiety

By Dr. Manju Rani, Counselling Psychologist & Assistant Professor

“He didn’t block me, but he just stopped replying.”
“She keeps watching my stories but never texts back.”
“We talk sometimes... but only when he feels like it.”

These are some of the most frequent lines I hear in counselling sessions with Gen Z clients navigating the emotional complexities of modern digital relationships.
Dating in the digital age is no longer just about compatibility or emotional connection—it now involves decoding vague signals, managing delayed responses, and confronting anxiety born out of partial engagement and unclear intentions.

In this article, I explore three emerging and psychologically distressing dating behaviours—soft ghosting, benching, and breadcrumbing—and how these patterns contribute to a rising tide of modern dating anxiety.

What Is Modern Dating Anxiety?

Modern dating anxiety refers to the ongoing stress, self-doubt, and emotional instability caused by ambiguous or inconsistent romantic interactions, often carried out over digital platforms. This form of anxiety is marked by:

A prolonged state of emotional uncertainty
Constant hypervigilance toward digital cues (such as blue ticks or story views)
A lack of closure or honest communication
Emotional exhaustion from unreciprocated emotional labour

1. Soft Ghosting

Definition: Soft ghosting occurs when someone stops responding to direct communication—such as messages or calls—while still maintaining passive interaction, like watching your Instagram stories or liking your posts.

Psychological Impact:

Creates emotional confusion and overthinking
Induces cycles of self-doubt and insecurity
Prevents emotional closure, prolonging attachment

Case Illustration: Ananya’s Experience
Ananya, a 21-year-old student, expressed her distress during therapy over a boy who stopped replying to her messages. However, he continued to watch all her social media updates.
“If he wanted to cut me off, why is he still looking at my life?” she asked.
Soft ghosting left her in an emotionally suspended state—neither rejected nor accepted—intensifying her anxiety.

2. Benching

Definition: Benching involves keeping someone as a "backup option" by maintaining occasional contact and interest but never committing to a relationship or deeper emotional engagement.

Psychological Impact:

Creates false hope and emotional dependency
Prevents individuals from moving on or forming meaningful connections
Erodes self-worth over time

Case Illustration: Ravi’s Delayed Realisation
Ravi, a 23-year-old professional, described how a woman he liked kept postponing meetings. She maintained friendly text exchanges but avoided any real interaction.
“I was just an option on her bench while she explored others,” he reflected.
The ambiguity of his situation delayed his healing and created unnecessary emotional strain.

3. Breadcrumbing

Definition: Breadcrumbing refers to the act of giving someone just enough attention or affection to keep them interested, without any genuine intent to pursue a relationship.

Psychological Impact:

Leads to emotional manipulation and confusion
Traps individuals in a cycle of anticipation and disappointment
Reinforces toxic relational patterns

Case Illustration: Meher’s Mixed Signals
Meher, aged 20, shared that the person she liked would occasionally send flirty messages and emojis late at night, only to disappear for days.
“Just when I decide to move on, he sends something sweet again,” she said.
This intermittent reinforcement made it difficult for her to detach emotionally.

Why Is This Prevalent Among Gen Z?

Several interrelated psychological and cultural factors contribute to the rise of such behaviours among Gen Z:

Factor	Description
Abundance mentality	Dating apps create the illusion of endless options, reducing the value of emotional investment.
Fear of direct rejection	Many individuals avoid honest conversations, resorting instead to passive avoidance.
Emotional unavailability	A lack of emotional literacy and relational maturity makes commitment difficult.
Digital intimacy	Social media platforms blur boundaries between public performance and private connection.
Attachment insecurity	Anxiously or avoidantly attached individuals are more vulnerable to relational instability.

Psychological Frameworks

Intermittent Reinforcement (Skinner, 1953): Breadcrumbing operates like a slot machine—unpredictable rewards make people invest more time and emotion, not less.
Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1969): Individuals with anxious attachment are particularly susceptible to emotional manipulation, often justifying inconsistent behaviour as love.
Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger, 1957): Victims of soft ghosting or breadcrumbing often rationalise mistreatment to avoid acknowledging rejection.

Coping Strategies: Therapeutic Guidance

As a psychologist, I encourage individuals dealing with these dating patterns to prioritise their emotional clarity and autonomy. Here are some evidence-based strategies:

1. Acknowledge the Pattern
Recognising whether you are being ghosted, benched, or breadcrumbed helps restore self-trust and awareness.

2. Establish Digital Boundaries
Consider muting, unfollowing, or even blocking if passive digital contact is delaying your healing process.

3. Avoid Internalising Rejection
The behaviour of others—especially when immature or avoidant—does not define your self-worth.

4. Cultivate Emotional Resilience
Engage in activities that reinforce your identity outside of romantic validation—such as hobbies, professional growth, or therapy.

5. Seek Professional Support
Persistent emotional distress is a valid reason to speak with a mental health professional. Therapy offers a space to process unresolved feelings and learn healthier relational patterns.

Final Reflection

In a world where digital connections have blurred the lines between real and imagined intimacy, it is crucial to choose emotional clarity over confusion.
Do not allow yourself to become an option in someone else’s indecision. Healthy love is not ambiguous—it is consistent, mutual, and emotionally safe.

If you have experienced ghosting, benching, or breadcrumbing, remember: your pain is valid, and your healing is possible.