Soft Ghosting, Benching, and Breadcrumbing: Understanding Modern Dating Anxiety
By Dr. Manju Rani, Counselling Psychologist & Assistant Professor
“He didn’t block me, but he just stopped replying.”
“She keeps watching my stories but never texts back.”
“We talk sometimes... but only when he feels like it.”
These are some of the most frequent lines I hear in counselling sessions with Gen Z clients navigating the emotional complexities of modern digital relationships.
Dating in the digital age is no longer just about compatibility or emotional connection—it now involves decoding vague signals, managing delayed responses, and confronting anxiety born out of partial engagement and unclear intentions.
In this article, I explore three emerging and psychologically distressing dating behaviours—soft ghosting, benching, and breadcrumbing—and how these patterns contribute to a rising tide of modern dating anxiety.
What Is Modern Dating Anxiety?
Modern dating anxiety refers to the ongoing stress, self-doubt, and emotional instability caused by ambiguous or inconsistent romantic interactions, often carried out over digital platforms. This form of anxiety is marked by:
- A prolonged state of emotional uncertainty
- Constant hypervigilance toward digital cues (such as blue ticks or story views)
- A lack of closure or honest communication
- Emotional exhaustion from unreciprocated emotional labour
1. Soft Ghosting
Definition: Soft ghosting occurs when someone stops responding to direct communication—such as messages or calls—while still maintaining passive interaction, like watching your Instagram stories or liking your posts.
Psychological Impact:
- Creates emotional confusion and overthinking
- Induces cycles of self-doubt and insecurity
- Prevents emotional closure, prolonging attachment
Case Illustration: Ananya’s Experience
Ananya, a 21-year-old student, expressed her distress during therapy over a boy who stopped replying to her messages. However, he continued to watch all her social media updates.
“If he wanted to cut me off, why is he still looking at my life?” she asked.
Soft ghosting left her in an emotionally suspended state—neither rejected nor accepted—intensifying her anxiety.
2. Benching
Definition: Benching involves keeping someone as a "backup option" by maintaining occasional contact and interest but never committing to a relationship or deeper emotional engagement.
Psychological Impact:
- Creates false hope and emotional dependency
- Prevents individuals from moving on or forming meaningful connections
- Erodes self-worth over time
Case Illustration: Ravi’s Delayed Realisation
Ravi, a 23-year-old professional, described how a woman he liked kept postponing meetings. She maintained friendly text exchanges but avoided any real interaction.
“I was just an option on her bench while she explored others,” he reflected.
The ambiguity of his situation delayed his healing and created unnecessary emotional strain.
3. Breadcrumbing
Definition: Breadcrumbing refers to the act of giving someone just enough attention or affection to keep them interested, without any genuine intent to pursue a relationship.
Psychological Impact:
- Leads to emotional manipulation and confusion
- Traps individuals in a cycle of anticipation and disappointment
- Reinforces toxic relational patterns
Case Illustration: Meher’s Mixed Signals
Meher, aged 20, shared that the person she liked would occasionally send flirty messages and emojis late at night, only to disappear for days.
“Just when I decide to move on, he sends something sweet again,” she said.
This intermittent reinforcement made it difficult for her to detach emotionally.
Why Is This Prevalent Among Gen Z?
Several interrelated psychological and cultural factors contribute to the rise of such behaviours among Gen Z:
Factor | Description |
---|---|
Abundance mentality | Dating apps create the illusion of endless options, reducing the value of emotional investment. |
Fear of direct rejection | Many individuals avoid honest conversations, resorting instead to passive avoidance. |
Emotional unavailability | A lack of emotional literacy and relational maturity makes commitment difficult. |
Digital intimacy | Social media platforms blur boundaries between public performance and private connection. |
Attachment insecurity | Anxiously or avoidantly attached individuals are more vulnerable to relational instability. |
Psychological Frameworks
- Intermittent Reinforcement (Skinner, 1953): Breadcrumbing operates like a slot machine—unpredictable rewards make people invest more time and emotion, not less.
- Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1969): Individuals with anxious attachment are particularly susceptible to emotional manipulation, often justifying inconsistent behaviour as love.
- Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger, 1957): Victims of soft ghosting or breadcrumbing often rationalise mistreatment to avoid acknowledging rejection.
Coping Strategies: Therapeutic Guidance
As a psychologist, I encourage individuals dealing with these dating patterns to prioritise their emotional clarity and autonomy. Here are some evidence-based strategies:
1. Acknowledge the Pattern
Recognising whether you are being ghosted, benched, or breadcrumbed helps restore self-trust and awareness.
2. Establish Digital Boundaries
Consider muting, unfollowing, or even blocking if passive digital contact is delaying your healing process.
3. Avoid Internalising Rejection
The behaviour of others—especially when immature or avoidant—does not define your self-worth.
4. Cultivate Emotional Resilience
Engage in activities that reinforce your identity outside of romantic validation—such as hobbies, professional growth, or therapy.
5. Seek Professional Support
Persistent emotional distress is a valid reason to speak with a mental health professional. Therapy offers a space to process unresolved feelings and learn healthier relational patterns.
Final Reflection
In a world where digital connections have blurred the lines between real and imagined intimacy, it is crucial to choose emotional clarity over confusion.
Do not allow yourself to become an option in someone else’s indecision. Healthy love is not ambiguous—it is consistent, mutual, and emotionally safe.
If you have experienced ghosting, benching, or breadcrumbing, remember: your pain is valid, and your healing is possible.
Stay Connected
For further insights on Gen Z psychology, digital behaviour, and relationship wellness, connect with me on the following platforms:
- YouTube: Dr Manju Antil – Counselling Psychologist
- Website: www.psychologistmanjuantil.com
Authored by
Dr. Manju Rani
Psychologist | Assistant Professor | Mental Health Educator
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