Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone keeps messaging you, seems interested, but never really commits? They give you just enough attention to make you stay, but not enough consistency to feel secure. This emotional tug-of-war is called benching, and it’s becoming increasingly common in today’s digital relationships.

As a counselling psychologist, I’ve seen countless individuals suffer silently in this emotionally confusing dynamic. This article is my way of helping you understand the psychological mechanisms, emotional consequences, and recovery tools around benching.

Whether you are currently being benched, have unknowingly benched someone, or are trying to support a friend through this, let’s explore this together with clinical clarity and compassion.

What Is Benching?

Benching is a term derived from sports. In a game, benched players are part of the team but are not playing—they sit on the sidelines waiting to be called in. Similarly, in relationships, benching happens when someone keeps you emotionally nearby without committing to a real relationship.

Key Characteristics of Benching:

• They text you sporadically, often just when you start pulling away.

• They flirt or express feelings but don’t follow through with plans.

• They don’t introduce you to their close friends or family.

• You are emotionally attached, but the relationship feels directionless.

Benching is not just poor communication—it is emotional ambiguity that creates psychological dependency.

Why Do People Bench Others? (Psychological Mechanisms)

Benching is not always intentional or malicious. It is often the result of unresolved psychological patterns and emotional insecurities. Let’s break this down:

1. Fear of Commitment:

Many people crave emotional connection but fear the vulnerability that comes with real commitment. They keep multiple emotional options open to avoid making a concrete choice.

2. Avoidant Attachment Style:

Individuals with avoidant attachment may appear emotionally available in short bursts but retreat when intimacy increases. They bench others to maintain control and emotional distance.

3. Validation Seeking:

Benching provides a steady stream of affirmation without the responsibilities of a relationship. The bencher feels desired, admired, and needed.

4. FOMO (Fear of Missing Out):

The person may enjoy your company but fear missing out on other potential partners. This leads to keeping you “on hold.”

5. Conflict Avoidance:

Instead of openly ending things, they avoid difficult conversations by keeping interactions vague. This indirect form of rejection is emotionally cruel.

“Benching is not about love—it’s about control without responsibility.”

What Does Being Benched Feel Like?

From my work with clients, I know that benching can feel like a slow emotional death. It leads to prolonged anxiety, rumination, and self-blame.

Emotional Symptoms:

• Constant anticipation: “Will they text today?”

• Second-guessing: “Did I say something wrong?”

• Reduced self-esteem: “Why am I not good enough to be chosen?”

• Emotional dependency: “I know they confuse me, but I can’t let go.”

The emotional inconsistency creates a feedback loop known as intermittent reinforcement—a well-known psychological concept where random rewards create powerful addiction-like attachment.

Case Study: Meera’s Story of Realization

Let me share the story of Meera, a confident, successful woman in her late 20s who came to therapy feeling emotionally drained. She had been chatting with Rishabh for over four months. He often texted her sweet messages like, “You’re the only one who understands me,” or “You’re special to me.”

But whenever she asked to meet or define the relationship, he would say, “Let’s not rush,” or “I’m not ready yet.”

Meera found herself checking her phone constantly, waiting for his messages, feeling elated when he replied, and spiraling into sadness when he ignored her.

Through therapy, Meera realized she was in a classic benching situation. She wasn’t confused—she was being confused. She gradually distanced herself from Rishabh, and with support, reclaimed her emotional clarity and confidence.

Benching in the Digital Era

Benching thrives in the digital landscape where emotional investment can happen without physical or social commitment.

Digital Benching Behaviours:

• Reacting to your Instagram stories but not replying to your messages

• Sending late-night texts like “Miss you” without real follow-up

• Tagging you in memes instead of making real plans

• Sharing cryptic quotes about “soul connections” without action

These digital gestures create illusions of affection and connection. They are emotionally stimulating but hollow.

“In a world of emojis and likes, real love still needs clarity and action.”

Psychological Effects of Benching

As a psychologist, I emphasize that the emotional toll of benching is often underestimated. It leads to real psychological consequences.

Common Mental Health Impacts:

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Persistent worrying about the relationship status.

• Attachment Insecurity: Fear of abandonment and rejection.

• Sleep Disturbances: Due to overthinking and emotional dysregulation.

• Emotional Burnout: Chronic emotional exhaustion and withdrawal.

• Identity Confusion: Difficulty trusting one’s own feelings and instincts.

How to Know If You’re Being Benched

Ask yourself the following diagnostic questions:

✅ Do I feel consistently valued in this connection?
✅ Are my emotional needs being met—or just delayed?
✅ Does the person follow through on what they say?
✅ Do I feel anxious, confused, or disrespected more than reassured?
✅ Am I the only one investing in this emotional connection?

If most answers lean toward emotional inconsistency, you are likely being benched.

What You Can Do (Practical Advice)

Here are therapeutic strategies I often suggest to clients in these situations:

1. Communicate Directly

Say something like: “I care about you, but I need clarity. Are you interested in building something real?”

2. Set Emotional Boundaries

Decide how much time, energy, and emotion you are willing to invest without reciprocity.

3. Observe Patterns, Not Promises

Don’t be swayed by charming words. Look at actions. Are they consistent, available, and respectful?

4. Rebuild Your Emotional Self-Worth

Spend time nurturing your own emotional needs through journaling, therapy, and meaningful social connections.

5. Let Go With Dignity

It’s okay to walk away from someone who leaves you confused. You deserve a relationship that doesn’t require decoding.

To Those Who Bench Others

If you recognize that you’ve benched someone, reflect deeply. Are you using their emotions as a cushion for your loneliness? Are you afraid of confronting your own indecision?

It’s okay to not be ready for a relationship. But it’s not okay to manipulate someone’s feelings just to keep them around.

Be honest. Be kind. Be accountable.

Final Words from Dr. Manju Antil

Benching is not soft rejection—it is emotional abandonment disguised as affection.

Love should feel like safety, not suspense. Relationships require emotional clarity, mutual respect, and consistent communication. Anything less is emotional limbo.

“If you’re wondering where you stand with someone, step away until you’re sure of your own worth.”

You deserve:

• To be prioritized

• To be emotionally respected

• To be someone’s choice—not their backup

Closing Message

If you’re stuck in a benched relationship, I see you. If you’ve been confused by someone’s mixed signals, your feelings are valid. It’s time to step off the emotional sidelines and take the lead in your own healing.

🌐 Visit: www.psychologistmanjuantil.com
📸 Instagram: @wellnessneti_ccare
🎙 YouTube: Dr. Manju Rani | Wellnessnetic Care

 "I never meant to fall for them... but I couldn’t help it."

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s a line I often hear in therapy from people who never thought they’d find themselves caught in the emotional web of an affair.

This is not about villains and victims. It’s about a powerful psychological experience that clouds judgment, rewrites history, and often leads to regret. This is Affair Fog — and it’s far more common, especially in the digital age.

Let’s explore the neuroscience, psychology, and real-life implications of affair fog — and how to find clarity on the other side.

What Is Affair Fog?

Affair Fog is a temporary psychological condition that occurs when someone becomes emotionally or physically involved in a relationship outside their primary commitment. It results in cognitive dissonance, emotional confusion, moral detachment, and a distorted perception of reality.

In this state, people:

• Idealize the affair partner and diminish their flaws
• Experience withdrawal or criticism toward their current partner
• Justify or minimize deceitful behaviors
• Believe that the new relationship represents their true happiness

It feels like clarity, but it’s a mirage. Like fog over a highway, it distorts your vision just enough to make you lose your direction.

The Brain Chemistry Behind the High

Affair fog isn't just emotional — it's neurochemical. When you're in the early stages of romantic or sexual excitement, your brain releases a rush of chemicals:

• Dopamine: fuels excitement, euphoria, and anticipation. You crave more.
• Oxytocin: creates bonding and the illusion of deep emotional intimacy
• Adrenaline: intensifies thrill and urgency, especially in secrecy
• Serotonin dips: result in obsessive thoughts and emotional restlessness

These chemicals create a neurological feedback loop, making the affair feel intensely rewarding—even if it contradicts your values.

The Psychology of Denial, Projection, and Fantasy

The fog thickens due to psychological defenses. When your actions contradict your core beliefs, the mind often turns to:

• Denial: "I didn't plan this, it just happened."
• Projection: "My partner never supported me. This new person gets me."
• Rationalization: "We were drifting apart anyway."
• Fantasy formation: "This is true love. It must mean something."

These defenses protect your ego but distort the emotional truth. You build a narrative that justifies emotional betrayal while numbing the cognitive dissonance.

Emotional Affairs Count Too

Many Gen Z and millennials fall into emotional affairs without realizing it. These often look like:

• Late-night texting with someone you confide in more than your partner
• Emotional dependency masked as friendship
• Hiding conversations or downplaying their importance
• Daydreaming about a future with someone else

Remember: It’s not the label that defines an affair, it’s the secrecy and emotional shift.

Why Gen Z Is Especially Vulnerable

Your generation is facing:

• Swipe Culture: constant exposure to new options
• Situationships: blurred lines and undefined emotional boundaries
• Instant Gratification: seeking quick highs over long-term emotional work
• Emotional Burnout: navigating relationships while healing from trauma or mental fatigue
• Validation Loops: from social media, dating apps, and online praise

Affair fog offers momentary escape from reality—but often at the cost of emotional maturity and future relational health.

The Hidden Impact on the Betrayed Partner

Affair fog isn't just dangerous for the one inside it. The betrayed partner often suffers silently, experiencing:

• Intense psychological confusion and grief
• Sleep disturbances and rumination
• Loss of trust, self-worth, and emotional security
• Trauma symptoms that may mimic PTSD

This emotional damage deepens when the involved partner is still in the fog, unable or unwilling to see the pain they’re causing.

Signs You’re in Affair Fog

You might be in affair fog if:

• You feel more emotionally connected to someone other than your partner
• You justify emotional or physical secrecy with ease
• You minimize the consequences of your actions
• You’re addicted to the thrill despite knowing it’s not sustainable
• You feel emotionally distant, numb, or resentful toward your partner

The Fog Is Digital Too

Modern-day affairs are often tech-fueled. Even if you're miles apart, emotional intimacy can thrive through:

• Social media DMs: secrecy intensifies emotional bonding
• Voice notes and inside jokes: simulate closeness
• Deleted conversations: concealment builds fantasy
• Curated photos and stories: selective self-presentation fuels idealization

These digital touchpoints sustain the fog and make it harder to separate fantasy from reality.

How to Come Out of the Fog

1. Cut Emotional and Physical Contact

This is non-negotiable. Without distance, clarity is impossible.

2. Interrupt the Fantasy

Name it for what it was: not love, but longing + illusion + neurochemical craving.

3. Own the Emotional Impact

Apologize not just for the affair, but for the emotional withdrawal, gaslighting, and deception.

4. Start Individual Therapy

Explore your unmet needs, attachment wounds, identity confusion, and emotional regulation patterns.

5. Rebuild Personal Integrity

Whether or not your relationship survives, rebuild yourself as someone who lives and loves with emotional accountability.

Final Thoughts: The Fog Can Lift

Affair fog isn't your enemy. It's a wake-up call. It signals that something within you needs reflection, healing, and realignment.

If you're in the fog: you’re not evil, weak, or broken. But you are responsible. If you’re hurt by someone in the fog: you deserve truth, clarity, and deep healing.

The affair isn’t the real story. The real story begins when you decide to face yourself with honesty.

Healing begins where fantasy ends.

 About the Author

Dr. Manju Rani Antil is a psychologist, and  Assistant Professor at Apeejay Stya University, and founder of Wellnessnetic Care. She specializes in projective and psychometric assessment, relationship psychology, and emotional wellness in the digital age. With over a decade of teaching, counselling, and research experience, she brings empathy, insight, and evidence-based approaches to every topic she writes and speaks on.

For therapy, speaking invitations, or collaborations:

• 🔗 Website: www.psychologistmanjuantil.com
• 📷 Instagram: psychologistmanjuantil 

Affair fog is a term increasingly used in clinical psychology and relationship therapy to describe a psychological condition in which individuals involved in an extramarital or extradyadic relationship experience emotional confusion, cognitive dissonance, and a distorted perception of reality. This “fog” not only alters the way they view their current relationship and partner but also idealizes the affair partner to the point of denying logic, empathy, and prior emotional truths.

It is not merely a metaphor—it is a deeply rooted psychological response arising from intense emotional arousal, neurochemical changes, unmet relational needs, and often, unresolved trauma or identity confusion. The result? A person swept away in a fantasy-driven narrative that disrupts personal values, long-standing commitments, and emotional clarity.

This phenomenon, though painful, is not irreversible. With the right insight and therapeutic understanding, the fog can be cleared—and that’s what this blog aims to unpack.

Explaining Affair Fog: A Clinical Perspective by Dr. Manju Antil

I am Dr. Manju  Antil, a Assistant Professor at Apeejay Stya University, and founder of Wellnessnetic Care. With over a decade of experience in projective and psychometric assessments, mental health advocacy, and therapeutic practice, I have worked extensively with individuals navigating emotional trauma, complex relationships, and digital-age distress patterns.

Through this blog, I will break down the concept of affair fog—from its psychological and neurobiological foundations to its real-world impact—and provide forward-thinking strategies for healing, whether you're the one in the fog or the one hurt by it.

Let’s begin.

What Is Affair Fog?

Affair fog is a temporary state of emotional and cognitive distortion that occurs when a person becomes emotionally or physically involved in a secondary relationship while still attached to a primary one.

In this state, individuals often:

• Idealize the affair partner as “the one” or a “soulmate”
• Devalue or rewrite the history of their primary relationship
• Justify secrecy and betrayal by minimizing the impact
• Withdraw empathy from their current partner
• Confuse intensity with intimacy

The affair often feels like an escape from dissatisfaction or emotional neglect, but in reality, it becomes a psychological trap—a foggy terrain where the person loses their ethical bearings, emotional depth, and relational context.

The Neuroscience Behind the Fog

From a neurobiological viewpoint, affair fog mimics the early phases of romantic love or even addictive behavior. Here's how:

• Dopamine – Reinforces the pleasure-reward cycle, causing a “high” during secret interactions.
• Oxytocin – Creates false intimacy and bonding, even in emotionally superficial affairs.
• Adrenaline – Heightens the thrill factor, making the affair seem urgent and extraordinary.

These neurochemicals hijack the brain's reasoning systems, leading to poor decision-making, impulsive behaviors, and emotional rationalization.

Psychological Defense Mechanisms in Action

Affair fog is sustained by a set of unconscious defense mechanisms:

• Denial – Refusing to acknowledge the harm caused
• Projection – Blaming the primary partner for personal dissatisfaction
• Minimization – Downplaying the seriousness of the affair
• Fantasy formation – Building an idealized story about the affair partner and future

These defenses offer temporary emotional relief but prevent genuine self-awareness and relationship repair.

The Impact on the Betrayed Partner

While the involved partner is lost in the fog, the betrayed partner often experiences emotional trauma akin to post-traumatic stress. Their world is disrupted without closure, and they may experience:

• Emotional invalidation and gaslighting
• Loss of identity, trust, and psychological safety
• Obsessive rumination and self-blame
• Relationship grief—even when the relationship continues

Often, the pain is intensified when the involved partner remains emotionally absent or confused due to the fog.

Modern Manifestations: The Digital Age of Affair Fog

Affair fog is no longer limited to physical infidelity. In today’s hyperconnected world, many affairs are:

• Emotional – Involving deep connection via messages, calls, or online interactions
• Virtual – Maintained through social media DMs, late-night texts, and secret accounts
• Ambiguous – Occurring within “situationships” or undefined commitments

This makes emotional boundaries harder to define, especially for Gen Z and millennials, who often struggle to distinguish emotional intimacy from ethical commitment.

How to Clear the Fog: A Step-by-Step Path

Clearing affair fog requires courage, insight, and professional support. Here’s how the process begins:

1. Cut Emotional Ties with the Affair Partner

Without emotional distance, the fog cannot lift.

2. Seek Individual Therapy

Understand why the affair occurred—emotionally, relationally, and psychologically.

3. Practice Radical Self-Honesty

Challenge the fantasy and re-evaluate the facts of your relationship.

4. Acknowledge the Harm Done

Take full accountability, not just for your actions, but for the emotional consequences they caused.

5. Work Towards Clarity—Not Just Closure

Whether or not the relationship survives, seek emotional clarity and self-integration.

 Closing Thoughts: From Fog to Freedom

Affair fog is not a sign of evil or weakness. It is a symptom of emotional confusion, often stemming from unresolved wounds, unmet needs, and identity diffusion. But like all symptoms, it can be healed with insight, therapy, and intention.

As a psychologist, I do not shame individuals for being in the fog—but I do hold space for accountability, clarity, and relational maturity.

You can clear the fog.
You can reconnect with your values.
You can build or rebuild relationships grounded in truth.

If you found this article helpful or insightful, feel free to share it with someone who may be navigating emotional confusion in their relationship. For therapy inquiries, speaking engagements, or mental health consultations, visit me at www.psychologistmanjuantil.com.