Dr Manju Antil (Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist)

Ever found yourself wondering, “why do I always want the ones who don’t want me back?”

Find yourself chasing men/ women who don’t seem to be choosing you, even though you know you should just let go, but you can’t? 

There are good explanations for that behavior based on brain science. Meaning: you’re not crazy & it’s influenced by your biology to some extent. 

Yes there are your attachment wounds and they definitely play a role, but even with that put aside, there are mechanisms in our brains that lead us to do this - getting stuck in the unhealthy obsessive loop, stuck on someone who isn’t interested back or isn’t available for the committed relationship we want.

So while your attachment style might play into it, there are other factors as well (ie. how addiction in our brains works)  

If you are insecurely attached, you’ll be more likely to do this. Let's explore it a deeply

When we aren't sure when/if we'll hear from someone, it creates an addiction to the high we get when we do. Hearing from that unpredictable person gives us a big hit of dopamine. Our brains/bodies get addicted to that hit. It doesn't work the same when there is consistency. It's an inconsistency that really gets us.

The anticipation of "it could happen at any moment," and not knowing when or if it will, creates addictive cravings to that person. Just like someone can get addicted to the slot machine or other forms of gambling based on random luck. The longer we keep at it, the more addicted we get, even when we are losing & in the negative, we keep putting more in because we're addicted!

The addiction you feel to that person can be confused with the feeling of love. Especially for those of us with attachment wounds. That addiction creates obsession. We think about that person day & night & focus on them to the detriment of everything else.

When we get like that, we are actually in a toxic addictive cycle... but we can confuse those intense feelings, longing & obsession for love: "I could only feel this way if it was meant to be." But that's not true. Your system is wired for inconsistency/unavailability = love, instead of availability & consistency.

There is a cognitive error we make called "the Sunk Cost Fallacy," which describes our tendency to follow through on something if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits. That often means we go against evidence that shows it is no longer the best decision, such as a guy who is no longer investing or showing interest back in us, or who doesn't want to commit to us - but you've put so much time & energy into it that you don't want to let go because everything you've already put into it would be "wasted."

When someone rejects us, it can make us want them more because rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, & cravings. Research shows when rejected, you're really suffering from drug addiction, & the drug is the person rejecting us. Which can create obsession as a way to stay connected. You've mistaken those feelings for love.

Additionally, the feelings that come with rejection may be familiar feeling that mirrors your childhood, so you are already wired to associate those feelings with love & seek out more of the same.

When love is unrequited, we can safely long for intimacy & closeness, rather than actually have it. It may be that you actually prefer the distance to having someone who is available & asking for all of you. That would actually be too much for you to handle & force you to face unhealed attachment wounds & it's easier not to.

This is common for all insecure attachment styles, as on a deeper level, all insecure attachment styles are actually emotionally unavailable (hence why they are choosing emotionally unavailable people or pushing the ones who are available away).

• Gain awareness of your unhealthy patterns.

• Work on moving away from unhealthy patterns & recognizing them for what they are.

• Educate yourself on what healthy attachment & healthy relationships look & feel like.

• Do the inner work on where your tendency towards these patterns comes from - heal those attachment wounds that drive this behavior.

• Get the support you need - it's very hard to do this on our own.

• Practice consciously choosing healthy situations (rather than choosing people unconsciously) so your body can start to learn & rewire.